Dear friends, you won’t believe what happened with me this
weekend. I came to know that a friend of mine is after me .He likes me and he
wants to be my boyfriend. All this time I was thinking that we are just
friends. But he gave me indirect signal that he wanna be my boyfriend. I am so
shocked. He is my best friend. I like him as a friend but not as a boyfriend,
but he is so much into me.
Let me start from the
beginning. Last year I met this guy through a friend. Let’s call him by name
Alan (which is not his real name). In the first glance I was taken by Alan’s
amusing lively nature. He is that kind of man who would come to you and say Hi.
Within few minutes we were sharing jokes and laughing, within hour we shared
phone numbers. My gosh he was (and still is) a cool man. He is very funny and I
like funny people. In fact I was looking for gay friend like Alan with who I
can freely chat, laugh and share gay jokes which I cannot share with my other
too busy, too serious or too sad gay friends. But with Alan, it was like
sitting over a pint of beer on Friday night in a pub. I liked him as a person
and he shared same reactions for me. We became good friends, kinda best
buddies, we would meet over star bucks, drink coffee and talk about men, sex,
travel and some serious stuff too. Throughout this whole time we shared a lot
about each other within ourselves. He knows my past and I know his. In Alan I
really found a best friend. But then this weekend everything changed.
It was my idea to meet
him over Ramen, we met in a Ramen shop south on Carlton on Church. It was a
good place, food was good and everything was going perfect and we were talking
about men and relationships. It was then the first time he said that well
crafted signal attached in a sentence “..some times the things are in front of
you”. I was talking about finding a good boyfriend and he replied with some philosophical
answer and at the end of that answer he added that well crafted sentence. I didn’t
get his signal at that moment but after dinner we went for a walk. There was a
beautiful park where we sat down for a while and there he said that sentence again
during the discussion “..some times the things are right in front of you, you
just have to identify it”. And this is where I got what he was saying. He is
smart, he was throwing that line by waving well into the discussion that it
would be perfect vague idea but clear a signal. Oh My God! In that moment I found
that he was hitting on me. I had to say something to clear my point. I started
acting as if I didn’t got his signal and said him following things.
I told him that
relationship is a very serious matter for me and this time when I go into
relationship, I wanna make sure that this is the guy I wanna be with. I have
several expectations from the guy and I don’t wanna be with a guy who don’t have
those qualities. When I say expectations, I don’t have super high expectations
like he has to be super model and super rich…but at least he should be of my
age and with who I can move with in life. Some one I can connect with, someone
with who I can feel that “YES, this is the one”. I have come all the way,
thousands of miles from my previous country and after coming this long I don’t wanna
be in relationship with someone with who I don’t wanna be in relationship with.
I don’t want to compromise on few things when it comes to my life partner. If I
have to compromise then it will be as unfortunate as a gay man going back in
closet and marrying to a young woman for a money and to avoid loneliness. I don’t
wanna do that. I am a proud gay man and I am not gonna go back to closet nor
gonna compromise, not anymore.
On that he said, how
would you know if the guy is perfect if you wont give that guy a chance to
prove? You have to jump in the water to taste the flow of water, not all
expectations are meant to meet, compromise is not a bad thing, look in the
person etc. I politely presented my views on counter points given by him. Which
he didn’t get it well. But at the end I said I don’t wanna rush into
relationship and wait for the right moment. And we stopped that discussion
there.
One thing I wanna say
that he did a really good job by indirectly presenting his proposal rather than
proposing me directly and ruining our friendship. Thank god I still have his
friendship.
Alan is a great guy, anyone will be lucky to have a partner
like him but not me. After dating Ryan it is gonna be very hard for me to overlook
certain important aspects of relationship that Ryan showed me and Alan cannot
deliver that. Ryan was straight out of Mills & Boon’s books. I am not a
philosopher but I know this about love that when you are with some one you
really love and one who really loves you, you can even feel that magic even in
the silence of his company. With Alan I cannot feel that. Yes I agree that life
starts out of comfort zone but I surely know the zones where I cannot hold
myself. With Alan I can be happy, entertained but my soul will still be finding
that someone. Alan could never be that somone. And suppose I change my views
and get into relationship with Alan and after few years person like Ryan comes
to my life then what? It will be worst?
What if I commit any mistake by falling for some other guy
while being with Alan? What if I decide to move in with that guy and break
relationship with Alan (with who I was never content)? This is not a joke,
relationships are pious things, I don’t wanna break them. I don’t wanna hurt
someone’s heart, and definitely not Alan’s. I am not rushing into this
relationship. I don’t wanna get into the relationship with a man that I am
100% not sure about.
It is gonna take sometime for me to clear things to Alan but I am gonna do that. He hasn’t sent any funny meme after that evening. But I am
gonna meet him this weekend. I failed to recognize all that special treatment,
compliments he has been throwing on me all these times. He is a wonderful
friend of mine and I am gonna win his friendship back. I don’t wanna give him any
wrong idea. I do want to get into the relationship but with kind of a man I want to be in relationship with. I am very careful about that and I don’t wanna do anything
that will break someone's heart and definitely not mine.
