He Is So Much Into Me…..When My Friend Fell For Me!

Dear friends, you won’t believe what happened with me this weekend. I came to know that a friend of mine is after me .He likes me and he wants to be my boyfriend. All this time I was thinking that we are just friends. But he gave me indirect signal that he wanna be my boyfriend. I am so shocked. He is my best friend. I like him as a friend but not as a boyfriend, but he is so much into me.

 Let me start from the beginning. Last year I met this guy through a friend. Let’s call him by name Alan (which is not his real name). In the first glance I was taken by Alan’s amusing lively nature. He is that kind of man who would come to you and say Hi. Within few minutes we were sharing jokes and laughing, within hour we shared phone numbers. My gosh he was (and still is) a cool man. He is very funny and I like funny people. In fact I was looking for gay friend like Alan with who I can freely chat, laugh and share gay jokes which I cannot share with my other too busy, too serious or too sad gay friends. But with Alan, it was like sitting over a pint of beer on Friday night in a pub. I liked him as a person and he shared same reactions for me. We became good friends, kinda best buddies, we would meet over star bucks, drink coffee and talk about men, sex, travel and some serious stuff too. Throughout this whole time we shared a lot about each other within ourselves. He knows my past and I know his. In Alan I really found a best friend. But then this weekend everything changed.

 It was my idea to meet him over Ramen, we met in a Ramen shop south on Carlton on Church. It was a good place, food was good and everything was going perfect and we were talking about men and relationships. It was then the first time he said that well crafted signal attached in a sentence “..some times the things are in front of you”. I was talking about finding a good boyfriend and he replied with some philosophical answer and at the end of that answer he added that well crafted sentence. I didn’t get his signal at that moment but after dinner we went for a walk. There was a beautiful park where we sat down for a while and there he said that sentence again during the discussion “..some times the things are right in front of you, you just have to identify it”. And this is where I got what he was saying. He is smart, he was throwing that line by waving well into the discussion that it would be perfect vague idea but clear a signal. Oh My God! In that moment I found that he was hitting on me. I had to say something to clear my point. I started acting as if I didn’t got his signal and said him following things.

 I told him that relationship is a very serious matter for me and this time when I go into relationship, I wanna make sure that this is the guy I wanna be with. I have several expectations from the guy and I don’t wanna be with a guy who don’t have those qualities. When I say expectations, I don’t have super high expectations like he has to be super model and super rich…but at least he should be of my age and with who I can move with in life. Some one I can connect with, someone with who I can feel that “YES, this is the one”. I have come all the way, thousands of miles from my previous country and after coming this long I don’t wanna be in relationship with someone with who I don’t wanna be in relationship with. I don’t want to compromise on few things when it comes to my life partner. If I have to compromise then it will be as unfortunate as a gay man going back in closet and marrying to a young woman for a money and to avoid loneliness. I don’t wanna do that. I am a proud gay man and I am not gonna go back to closet nor gonna compromise, not anymore.

 On that he said, how would you know if the guy is perfect if you wont give that guy a chance to prove? You have to jump in the water to taste the flow of water, not all expectations are meant to meet, compromise is not a bad thing, look in the person etc. I politely presented my views on counter points given by him. Which he didn’t get it well. But at the end I said I don’t wanna rush into relationship and wait for the right moment. And we stopped that discussion there.

 One thing I wanna say that he did a really good job by indirectly presenting his proposal rather than proposing me directly and ruining our friendship. Thank god I still have his friendship.

Alan is a great guy, anyone will be lucky to have a partner like him but not me. After dating Ryan it is gonna be very hard for me to overlook certain important aspects of relationship that Ryan showed me and Alan cannot deliver that. Ryan was straight out of Mills & Boon’s books. I am not a philosopher but I know this about love that when you are with some one you really love and one who really loves you, you can even feel that magic even in the silence of his company. With Alan I cannot feel that. Yes I agree that life starts out of comfort zone but I surely know the zones where I cannot hold myself. With Alan I can be happy, entertained but my soul will still be finding that someone. Alan could never be that somone. And suppose I change my views and get into relationship with Alan and after few years person like Ryan comes to my life then what? It will be worst? 

 What if I commit any mistake by falling for some other guy while being with Alan? What if I decide to move in with that guy and break relationship with Alan (with who I was never content)? This is not a joke, relationships are pious things, I don’t wanna break them. I don’t wanna hurt someone’s heart, and definitely not Alan’s. I am not rushing into this relationship. I don’t wanna get into the relationship with a man that I am 100% not sure about.

It is gonna take sometime for me to clear things to Alan but I am gonna do that. He hasn’t sent any funny meme after that evening. But I am gonna meet him this weekend. I failed to recognize all that special treatment, compliments he has been throwing on me all these times. He is a wonderful friend of mine and I am gonna win his friendship back. I don’t wanna give him any wrong idea. I do want to get into the relationship but with kind of a man I want to be in relationship with. I am very careful about that and I don’t wanna do anything that will break someone's heart and definitely not mine.

Reading "Simon Vs" And Nostalgia

Hi Friends,

No! I am not writing a book review but sharing a nostalgia that I got after listening to this audio book. 

I recently listened to this audiobook Simon VS Homo Sapien Agenda. First time I came across this book was through the trailer of movie Love Simon. I love Nick Robinson, and that’s what kept me glued to the trailer. I liked the trailer and it made me curious about the movie. But when I came to know that movie is based on a book, I added that book in my “To Read” list and finally got to listen it as an audiobook last week. Six hours spent on listening to that book took me back to my teenage when I was 17. It was a great experience.

 When I was a teenager the only young adult fictions that I read were books from Sweet Valley University (SVU) series. Most of those stories were moving around bunch of heterosexual teenagers and few little mentions of one or two of their gay friends. It was the early 2000s. A little mention in young adult book that is what LGBT community used to get back then. From then to now, reading book like Simon Vs Homo Sapien Agenda, which is a story of 17 years old gay teen who is a centre stage and main character of the book is the great progress that time and society has achieved.

This books is a story of Simon who is closeted next door gay guy. Who lives in suburb, not in a big city, not into mainstream gay scene, he is living a quiet high school life and living with parents. Then one day through school’s social media page he come across another unknown gay guy who happens to be in Simon’s school. Not knowing who he is and with pseudonyms both guys start emailing each other and then they become good friends and their friendship progresses to next step. The whole book keeps reader guessing that who Blue (the guy Simon is chatting with) is. After many ups and downs and turns, finally at the end of the book Simon sees Blue in person and their romance begins.

 When I was reading this book, what reminded me back from my teenage was Simon writing his feelings to an anonymous gay guy like him. In my teenage there used to be a chatting software where there used to be a gay guys' chat room and there i used to chat with gay men like me. Or at least try to I should say. I was finding a sensible guy to chat with, to speak about my feelings, my fears , my crushes which I had no scope of chatting with another guys in my school. I did came across few good guys with who I exchanged emails and they replied back, but that series of email stopped somewhere. In those uneventful and heartbreaking pen pal searches I did found one good friend though. His name was Daniel, he was from Arizona, USA. We did chatted a lot but then later we both got busy in our lives and that series ended. Unlike in the book I never got happy ending with my online pen pals. 

 Also, I never had friends back then with who I was open. Coming out was not a question, at that time I was more concerned about my safety than coming out. So I stayed in closet. Today when I read stories like "Simon Vs….." I feel little envy about today’s young gay teens who can easily come out, but at a same time I am happy to see that society is more open at this part of the world. I am grateful to be living in the country where I can be open and live as an open gay man without fear or worry. I do feel sad for my past in India but I am grateful today. 

So this great trip to nostalgia made me feel more grateful for what I have today. This book made me feel good.

Overall Simon Vs Homo sapiens agenda is a good read, the writing has a fresh style. It will give you nostalgia of your teen age days. So read it guys, it is a good book. 

And I am now more excited about the movie. 

Lots of Love

XOXO!

He Left Me, But Gave Me A Great Lesson. Mr. Perfect Do Exist.

Yes friends you are reading right. He is no more with me. He got a big promotion at work and some health issues with his stomach. He said in that long Facebook message that he neither has time nor energy for this relationship. I let him go. But I did sent him a long message, wishing him good and a small suggestion to stand for himself.

  His biggest problem was he cannot say no to people. No wonder his office people gave him more work, he couldn't find time for himself and me and rest you can imagine. In my strong willed good bye letter I said to him at the last that although I am go getter person, at this time I have decided to respect HIS decision. 

   

 Someone has said that there will be infinite, unending numbers of reasons for NOT doing a thing. He was really busy in his work. He chose what he thought is right. He has gone through many heart brakes in life so he took a decision without giving a second thought to heart. As I said in Facebook message to him, I have decided to respect his decision.  I am not crying, I am not sad, I am not happy, actually I am not feeling anything. I am feeling like being in that meditation stage, when ur in that full control of thoughts, you feel good, even though you know that as soon as you step out of that meditation state, regular worries will catch you.

 I am being silent.

This guy gave me something that changed my life. Earlier also I dated few amazing men, when they left me then I felt sad, heart broken but this time it is different. Ryan was best of them, his loss would have made me crazy like anything. But I am not going crazy. I am feeling, calm silent and peaceful. Little time spent with him taught me a lot of great thing and showed me mirror. I do not deserve anything less than Ryan kind of gentleman. Who romance fiction world call 'Mr. Perfect" .

Ryan fell for me that tells me what kind of man I am and what kind of man I deserve. I have decided to take positive from Ryan's experience. Mr. Perfect do exist out there, mine is yet to finish his office meeting I guess.

I wish Ryan great success in his career and health and here I close his chapter.

And here I resume my single gay life. In a same house, with more peace and much more positive hopes.

Lots Of Love,

Your Best Gay Friend.

My Gaming Affair - Part 1 - How hopeless romantic single guy found his Jake Ryan in the form of video game.

Yes guys, I am writing back again. Been busy with stupid crazy job and my new affair. This time not with a guy but with something else. This new love of my life is video games.



  Wait hold on! Let me explain. I have not turned into that guy who sit all day on couch and play video games. Not yet.  This post is not about me discussing my scores in video games, this post is about how a single romantic gay guy like me found a new excitement in the video games. Till last year I was so naive about video games that I had a wrong impression about them I had an impression that video games are violent, they make you lazy, spoil eyes, spoil health and make you angry person. Not so long ago in my early 20s when I finally accepted myself as gay, I diligently kept myself away from video games. Because back then in India all I would see is angry, aggressive straight guys playing video games where they would play shoot out games, scream out loudly and break the controllers. For newly self accepted gay like me that was a pretty scary thing and I started video games as something straight guy's thing. In those days I did not had gay friends who would play video games. So because of this my first impression of video games became wrong and I started seeing video games as straight guy's thing. If this was less stupid then I came across one more stupidest stupid thought about video games. I got a stupid fear. I thought that playing those shoot out games on consoles will make me straight.


 Don't laugh at me! They have so many gay conversion institutes in USA, my little fear is absolutely less stupid than them. I was not the stupidest guy on earth the day I stumbled upon that thought. Now when I look back I get that it was not fear of becoming straight but the fear of losing awesome gay life and losing love for Patrick Wilson had made me scared.

  So any way, fast forward to year 2015. I was six months post relationship break up, six months old on POF, OK Cupid and still single. In the summer of 2015 on one sweet evening I was in the best buy store. While passing through TV section I saw a guy playing racing game. And there I saw future love of my life. He was broad, powerful and so handsome. His name was XBOX one. I had found my Jake Ryan in the shape of old computer's CPU shaped metal box. I was so amazed to see his graphics and games that I kept looking at him. But suddenly something happened to me, something pulled my shirt and moved me to next isle. And I heard Inner voice.

"Dude, No! You cannot fall for that video game, you are not a teenager, you don't wanna spend your money on that expensive thing. Instead of spending time on playing video games, go to clubs, gym, jogging, spend that time on dating apps to find next good boyfriend." I went home. But that night I was not feeling sleepy something was keeping me awake, image of that console and those video game graphics were constantly coming before my eyes. And then an old memory of gay party came back to me. I was naive 20-21 yrs old. Freshly out of college and newly into gay party scene. I was thousand times cuter back then. That saturday in a party there was a cute muscular guy. He was looking at me, I was looking at a guy behind his ear. He smiled at me, I did not see that. We did not speak, nothing happened that night. 2 years later, I met this awesome guy online. We chatted, I liked his talks, he liked my texts. We started liking each other and then we decided to meet over coffee in cafe. We shared face pictures and yes you are right, this was the same muscular guy who was seeing me that night . I was OK to meet him in cafe but he wasn't. He was offended by that night's behaviour of mine. He found me"rude". He said he smiled at me but I did not. Yes I was fool that night by not noticing this guy's interest in me but definitely I was wise two years later by not telling him that actually I wasn't looking at him but the guy behind him. He took that night's incident like popsicle on sunny afternoon. We did not meet,  nothing happen after that. I had learnt my lesson. I named this lesson as "Cricketer's wicket". That muscular guy had said he was so much into playing cricket (even today also I doubt him on that.)

   Back to 2015's night, I was fearing that this gaming thing should not end like cricketer's wicket.  I had never felt that fear for a guy recently but for that video game console I was feeling it. I really wanted to buy that game and play like that guy playing it in best buy store.
But then again great single gay mind of mine started pushing me for "go out", where I can meet "real people",  do something "real". But wasn't I doing that for years now? After doing all that wasn't I still single? I did not sidelined the idea of being in relationship with handsome guy. No Never! I was always dreaming about boyfriends like I was doing it before but this time my mind was asking for something for myself. Something beyond dating and meeting people but spending some quality time with me. Rather than going on dating websites and pretending like dude from sedan car commercial I wanted to be like 16 years old high school going silly me, I wanted to act free without thinking if that guy is looking at my cute smile, not affraid of ugly tagged pictures on facebook, not so keen about saving hot selfies for POF, not faking American accent, all I was looking for to connect back with that awesome real me.  And I had found that space in video games.

 Finally after all analysis that night I asked myself a question. Since last 10 years I approached many good guys for dating with good intentions. I was never an ugly guy but they had infinite reasons to turn down my proposals and even declined possibility of becoming friends with me. They had some reasons in their minds. May be all of them were looking at guy behind my ear, but now when I have found something interesting which I believe I can become good friend with am I gonna pretend to looking behind the ear of that video game?


 I am a PROUD GAY MAN! I am proud of myself, I take pride in whatever I do, whoever I do that with and that is why now I was gonna buy that new hot video game console and few game DVDs to start gaming with! I was in, I was sold. I had come over stupid fears and reasons and had done something that I liked. Next few days I spent on youtube, forums and stores, doing research and deciding between PS4 and XBX One. It was a tough choice but I chose XBOX One, I found my hands more comfortable on XOne's controller than PS4's. On one sunny Sunday afternoon of May 2015 I had become 21st century's console game playing proud gay man. That old fear of turning non-gay was gone and I was feeling proud in calling myself  GAY GAMER.

Last time I felt this much accomplished when I lost my virginity. I never looked back after that.

People's Behavior Patterns and Predictions on Dating Sites : Part ll

.......And Then He Sopped Messaging

Hello friends, I am back. As I said in last part of this series of post ( predictive behavioral patterns), today I am writing about the topic of guyz' behavior that will make you interested in searching upon.

It must have happened with you that you came across a nice guy on social networking sites. You liked him, he liked you and then you started chatting. Everything was matching, you were perfect match. You were chatting with each other everyday, he showed you his emotional side, you shared your secrets to him. Everything was fairy tale kind of perfect and then one day he suddenly stopped messaging you.

 Suddenly he started acting like a stranger, as if he never met you before. He ignored your all messages, suddenly became very busy in work place and developed enough problems, enough cousin's weekend visits to keep you away from him. He just disappeared. This is not a very normal thing. I mean this is happening a lot in gay sphere. You will often meet guys who will tell their share of same experience. It is really heart breaking thing. I mean when at one side you are dreaming to get good life partner and on other side if you keep meeting such kind of people you are gonna lose your nerve, your patience and your willingness to find relationship. 

Why it happens that when that guy is really enjoying your company, he is happy then he suddenly turns away and stops messaging. There must be a strong psychological reason behind it. I am not psychologist to know about it. So I wont comment on saying why it happens. But I am analyst, I work with data, so I would comment from that point of view.

Now days many dating apps have that indicator in person's profile showing how frequently that guy replies to messages or how much your and his personality/nature match. So just like this, why cannot apps show that after how many days of chat this person is most likely to go silent? 

I am not saying that apps should scan their messages and by scanning that data they should predict this result but by observing one person's visit & search pattern they should be able to predict this figure.

 For example Mr. B is that man who disappears after starting good chat. One 1st January Mr. B came to gay dating site for searching cool guys on gay dating app. Then he found my profile there. He kept coming on that app to exchange messages with me. On  Jan 10 we shared our numbers on that dating app. And then we started chatting on phone side by side. By Jan 20 we were so much into texting each other on phone and by Jan 20 our visits to gay dating apps were dropped. After chatting and talking with me over phone till 28th Feb he suddenly stopped messaging me. His last message was sent on 1st March. He kept himself away from dating apps for few days and one day, 15th March he came back on dating site and started visiting profiles frequently. 

 So in this imaginary case Mr B was on dating app for 20 days and then he went away from dating apps for 38 days and at same time some other guy showed same behavior (that was me) and then again after 38 days Mr. B came back online. In this guy's case 28-38 days was the period of his interest in me.  If this guy is showing same visiting pattern over the period of time then 28 days is a time till he will be interested in a guy for chatting over text.

I don't want to go on non-analytical debate here, I mean don't wanna spend time on discussing questions like "no, what if the guy he was chatting with was wrong". I don't want to talk about other possible reasons because I am specifically talking about a behavioral pattern where person suddenly stops texting with no reason. So let's stick to it.

I think it would be a great tool for people on dating sites if they understand this factor of person they are looking online. It will help them to understand what should be the speed of their communication.

I mean, if I knew that that guy was gonna turn statue after 4 weeks I would had never skipped my best friend's birthday for the special date he arranged for me. In fact, I wouldn't had replied to his "Hello there" in first place.