Reading "Simon Vs" And Nostalgia

Hi Friends,

No! I am not writing a book review but sharing a nostalgia that I got after listening to this audio book. 

I recently listened to this audiobook Simon VS Homo Sapien Agenda. First time I came across this book was through the trailer of movie Love Simon. I love Nick Robinson, and that’s what kept me glued to the trailer. I liked the trailer and it made me curious about the movie. But when I came to know that movie is based on a book, I added that book in my “To Read” list and finally got to listen it as an audiobook last week. Six hours spent on listening to that book took me back to my teenage when I was 17. It was a great experience.

 When I was a teenager the only young adult fictions that I read were books from Sweet Valley University (SVU) series. Most of those stories were moving around bunch of heterosexual teenagers and few little mentions of one or two of their gay friends. It was the early 2000s. A little mention in young adult book that is what LGBT community used to get back then. From then to now, reading book like Simon Vs Homo Sapien Agenda, which is a story of 17 years old gay teen who is a centre stage and main character of the book is the great progress that time and society has achieved.

This books is a story of Simon who is closeted next door gay guy. Who lives in suburb, not in a big city, not into mainstream gay scene, he is living a quiet high school life and living with parents. Then one day through school’s social media page he come across another unknown gay guy who happens to be in Simon’s school. Not knowing who he is and with pseudonyms both guys start emailing each other and then they become good friends and their friendship progresses to next step. The whole book keeps reader guessing that who Blue (the guy Simon is chatting with) is. After many ups and downs and turns, finally at the end of the book Simon sees Blue in person and their romance begins.

 When I was reading this book, what reminded me back from my teenage was Simon writing his feelings to an anonymous gay guy like him. In my teenage there used to be a chatting software where there used to be a gay guys' chat room and there i used to chat with gay men like me. Or at least try to I should say. I was finding a sensible guy to chat with, to speak about my feelings, my fears , my crushes which I had no scope of chatting with another guys in my school. I did came across few good guys with who I exchanged emails and they replied back, but that series of email stopped somewhere. In those uneventful and heartbreaking pen pal searches I did found one good friend though. His name was Daniel, he was from Arizona, USA. We did chatted a lot but then later we both got busy in our lives and that series ended. Unlike in the book I never got happy ending with my online pen pals. 

 Also, I never had friends back then with who I was open. Coming out was not a question, at that time I was more concerned about my safety than coming out. So I stayed in closet. Today when I read stories like "Simon Vs….." I feel little envy about today’s young gay teens who can easily come out, but at a same time I am happy to see that society is more open at this part of the world. I am grateful to be living in the country where I can be open and live as an open gay man without fear or worry. I do feel sad for my past in India but I am grateful today. 

So this great trip to nostalgia made me feel more grateful for what I have today. This book made me feel good.

Overall Simon Vs Homo sapiens agenda is a good read, the writing has a fresh style. It will give you nostalgia of your teen age days. So read it guys, it is a good book. 

And I am now more excited about the movie. 

Lots of Love

XOXO!

From Teen to Man, on the footsteps of Paul Walker

(a gay boy’s journey through darkness to self-belief )

The moment I read that new saying Paul Walker has passed away the first thought came in my mind that wish this is joke. But after 5 seconds when I saw that sad news on internet my heart literally sunk in sadness. For few seconds I was paralyzed with the shock and could not even moved my eyes from that heart breaking news. Paul Walker had gone from us. The actor with whom I spent most of my teenhood with in day dreaming, the guy whom I saw as role model and big brother has gone all the way from me for never coming back; this news was like tight slap on my face or like waking up from a dream in which I was talking to him by sitting next to him and watching sunset. I saw many dreams like this in my late teenhood.

 His deep blue eyes, blond hairs, handsome jaw and muscular body was like Greek god. Or an angel you can say. With these things in kitty he came in Fast &Furious and appeared like boy next door and instantly entered in the hearts of many people. Then he came in sequels through which he indeed maintain that impression of cool dude with whom every macho man would enjoy to grab beer with. Side by side he was doing other movies too. When he appeared macho rough Brian in F&F, he did express his emotional but tenacious side in movie Eight Below. And how can I not say anything about Into The Blue? Wans’t his beefy body perfect for that oceanic thriller? Would that movie remained same sexy and spicy without star like him? He was a great actor. He successfully managed to maintain those above average things without crossing the line and remain presentable and noticeable.

 For the whole world Paul was just a “Fast & Furious guy” but for me he was more than that. For me he was the first complete man that I saw during my painful transaction from boy to man. The first role model that I saw whose big muscles really motivated me to hit gym and be like him, as if his calm and balanced face and receptive eyes were saying to trouble teen like me ‘don’t give up dude, don’t give up. There is so much ahead in life which you cannot see yet but it is worth living. This painful life is meant for something better, something good and something enormous that makes your life complete.’ He was my first true Hollywood crush. Even till today I see him with respect that I never had for any other man. I always had those divine, reverent feeling for him which are far beyond physical attraction and thirst for physical love. Although he was completely my type of guy I never ever imagined him as my lover or he making me love. For him my feelings were always as pure as any person would have for his or her elder brother.   During all the time I spent watching his movies he never spoke to me but said so many things to me.  During those many lonely summer afternoons of teenhood I would sit alone in TV room and watch his movies again and again. I would pause the VCD right when his full face came on screen and keep staring his tranquil blue eyes and kind face. It was as if he was sitting right before me. And then through his deep blue eyes I would dive in the ocean of thoughts and introspection. The only practice I would do during that time is I would ask myself three questions.

“What I am?

What I need to do?

Will that get me close to this guy?”

In third question what I meant by ‘this guy’ is Perfection. What I need to do that will give me physique like this guy, confidence like this guy, balance in life and self-belief like this guy has and the serene calmness of face that tells all the jewels of manhood this guy has achieved in his life and still achieving more and more.  For me this guy named Paul Walker was perfection.

During those many lonely afternoons we met many times and slowly Paul became my good friend in the world of day dreaming. We would enjoy talks, I was the one who would talk a lot.  He was the guy with whom I shared many things that I was not able to talk about with my straight friends.  Slowly may be though my introspection or from my watching situation from outer angle Paul did spoke to me about the things that I need to do and the best thing is I did them. I did woke up at 4 in morning and went to gym, I did spent extra more hours in Chemistry book that allowed me to pass that difficult subject, I did brought that muscular behaviour in my body language that made me “acceptable” in my straight friends. I did imitate his every possible move in my troubled teen life and drove my life towards more balanced life by stepping on his foot step.  

 In those days somewhere deep inside a question was pinching my heart that someday this troubled teen phase shall pass, your life will get settled and as a man you will get busy in job and your partner and then what will happen to the great affection that you have for Paul Walker? Would you still enjoy his movies and news then? Or will he remind you those past troubled days of your life? Today I would answer this question that NO! During last 2 years whenever I saw Paul Walker on TV & internet it did gave me pleasant breeze of gratitude. He reminds me that great journey that I did from boy to man, from nothing to something. He taught me true meaning of man hood.  There was one time in my life when I had lost all hopes about my career and today I am enjoying my career. I always thought that someday if I could go to USA I would roam in the clubs of LA and try to catch him in some plush clubs and say Thanks for the difference he made in my life. So much irony that soon I will be able to go to USA and now I can never ever meet him my whole life.

Dear Paul, you never ever did anything that would hurt me man but you passed so soon that this is gonna make me upset for long time. Although I am sad, somewhere inside my spiritual heart there is an echo coming that is saying that you are in better place now. No man in my whole life made the difference that you made in my life.  You never met me, never spoke to me but you did change my life.

Now all I have for you is countless Thanks and great gratitude for god for sending me true superhero in my life.  You will always be in my heart Paul, See you soon in heaven.