He Said He Found Me Cute! (blast from the past)

Hello friends. Happy new year. I wish you great  & greetings, greetings & greetings.


You won't believe what happen to me. Just last week, when I was on my break at work, I got this message on Instagram. I opened it and it was small video from one of the guys who used to be a friend of my friends back in India. He sent me a small video as a personal message on Instagram. It was a video in which he was showing his tool and looking at me with inviting eyes. This guy, let's call him Mr. S; used to hang out with the same group of gay friends that I had in India (I would rather call them acquaintances). He was handsome, cute uptight gym going, muscular guy. Even in earlier days, I wished to see him shirtless. But I never thought about him after that. Because of his all up class "Plastic" friends.  He would appear in their all Facebook photos, posts, they were kind of Gay Royalty in my city in India and he was like their dear little brother. I never thought to message him, I was kinda scared of his super loud friends, I was thinking what if I sent him an email saying I find him cute and his friends post that letter on our gay Facebook page and everybody will laugh on me? He was not a troublemaker but his friends were kinda Regina scary, at least I found them that way. That is why when I was in India, I maintained proper distance with that hottie. I think when I was leaving India, around that time I added him on FB, and then last year on Instagram. We never chatted, we were never that close. After moving to North America I got busy in my life, had a couple of boyfriends, dated couple of guys and I totally forgot about him that I ever wanted to see him shirtless.


But then he sent me that kinda hot video. First of all, I was stunned. But then I instantly messaged him back saying,

"S. is this you playing with your phone os someone hacked your phone?"

And then he said, Yes, it is him!

I was stunned!
I said that was a quite surprise.

And then he replied, and then I replied and we started chatting.

After few minutes he said (typed) that he ALWAYS (yes, Always) found me CUTE and have ALWAYS (again Always) wanted to hook up.

Imagine this thing, you always wanted to work in one cool company as a software engineer, you never applied for that job because you knew your resume will not pass even initial screening and if you end up being in an interview, you won't be able to answer any questions beyond initial introductions question. But you wanted to have that job, but you never applied, then you moved on to other country and then you worked in many profiles, many companies and after gaining years of experience, you can think you can get any job, even a job of CTO, then you received the letter in mailbox, which is a late delivery saying they had liked your profile back in time and offered you job as a software engineer but letter or email took years to come to you.
How you will feel?

 But still, I decently replied him saying that I appreciate he saying this and confessed that I never saw him by that view because of his super famous friends and now I would love to get connected with him to chat because my man is super busy and he is the one I can chat in my own Indian language.
Within a minute his video had taken me back in town and pulled out that confused, shy closeted gay guy in me, I wanted to spend some time with that guy, through chatting with S. To be honest, back in India I never saw S as a husband material, I did thought of him as a cute boyfriend material but I stopped that thought right there and moved on.

 That day we exchanged emails saying we will write each other as a friend and said goodbye. But that evening I was thinking that what if S had come to me years back when I was in India and we were in the same city? What if he just had asked me for a coffee date or asked my phone number and started a chat. Why he could not take some action from his side, considering he was more confident back then than me. From my side, it was NEVER a question of taking the first step. In a gossip-filled gay environment, no shy, closeted guy will go and take initiative for a chat with the member of famous gay royal gang. It was like taking enmity with Regina George kind of queens.  I moved on, he is still there. He has grown a beard, looks huskier in that, uploads new selfies every week on Instagram, tags friends on Facebook. There is nothing wrong with that but is that the only thing you have in your life as a late 20 something single gay man?

 I felt bad and angry about him. But then I saw the super cool side of this story. He never approached me, and I remained single and then I moved to the place where I am today. Had I gotten a guy like S back then, I would have never left him and stayed in my same Indian city. But then I would have never found the wonderful, vibrant men that I dated, I would have never found Ryan.  I had never gotten those wonderful days and memories of my life that Ryan gave me.

 That night I cooked a wonderful butter chicken and closed that chapter with that meal.



There is a quote by some cool guy from history saying sometimes NOT speaking up messes a lot of things that speak up. My situation with S was different. If he found me cute and wanted to hook up with me, he should have spoken with me, given me a confidence in him and he had gotten a super romantic boyfriend like me or at least had gotten good lovemaking from me. But he chose to keep quiet. His keeping quite did not slow down my process of moving out, I came here and met wonderful men.  One's loss, one's gain. But I think a cute possibility of making something good out of life got lost by the shyness of two men (yes, me too taking the blame).


So go out friends, speak clearly, speak straightforwardly, ask him for coffee, or drinks, take out him for a stroll or long drive, bring him cooked lunch if inviting over dinner is too early. DO SOMETHING!

Life is not about sitting back, life is about doing things!
With this, I sign off for now.

See you soon.

Love XOXO

From Teen to Man, on the footsteps of Paul Walker

(a gay boy’s journey through darkness to self-belief )

The moment I read that new saying Paul Walker has passed away the first thought came in my mind that wish this is joke. But after 5 seconds when I saw that sad news on internet my heart literally sunk in sadness. For few seconds I was paralyzed with the shock and could not even moved my eyes from that heart breaking news. Paul Walker had gone from us. The actor with whom I spent most of my teenhood with in day dreaming, the guy whom I saw as role model and big brother has gone all the way from me for never coming back; this news was like tight slap on my face or like waking up from a dream in which I was talking to him by sitting next to him and watching sunset. I saw many dreams like this in my late teenhood.

 His deep blue eyes, blond hairs, handsome jaw and muscular body was like Greek god. Or an angel you can say. With these things in kitty he came in Fast &Furious and appeared like boy next door and instantly entered in the hearts of many people. Then he came in sequels through which he indeed maintain that impression of cool dude with whom every macho man would enjoy to grab beer with. Side by side he was doing other movies too. When he appeared macho rough Brian in F&F, he did express his emotional but tenacious side in movie Eight Below. And how can I not say anything about Into The Blue? Wans’t his beefy body perfect for that oceanic thriller? Would that movie remained same sexy and spicy without star like him? He was a great actor. He successfully managed to maintain those above average things without crossing the line and remain presentable and noticeable.

 For the whole world Paul was just a “Fast & Furious guy” but for me he was more than that. For me he was the first complete man that I saw during my painful transaction from boy to man. The first role model that I saw whose big muscles really motivated me to hit gym and be like him, as if his calm and balanced face and receptive eyes were saying to trouble teen like me ‘don’t give up dude, don’t give up. There is so much ahead in life which you cannot see yet but it is worth living. This painful life is meant for something better, something good and something enormous that makes your life complete.’ He was my first true Hollywood crush. Even till today I see him with respect that I never had for any other man. I always had those divine, reverent feeling for him which are far beyond physical attraction and thirst for physical love. Although he was completely my type of guy I never ever imagined him as my lover or he making me love. For him my feelings were always as pure as any person would have for his or her elder brother.   During all the time I spent watching his movies he never spoke to me but said so many things to me.  During those many lonely summer afternoons of teenhood I would sit alone in TV room and watch his movies again and again. I would pause the VCD right when his full face came on screen and keep staring his tranquil blue eyes and kind face. It was as if he was sitting right before me. And then through his deep blue eyes I would dive in the ocean of thoughts and introspection. The only practice I would do during that time is I would ask myself three questions.

“What I am?

What I need to do?

Will that get me close to this guy?”

In third question what I meant by ‘this guy’ is Perfection. What I need to do that will give me physique like this guy, confidence like this guy, balance in life and self-belief like this guy has and the serene calmness of face that tells all the jewels of manhood this guy has achieved in his life and still achieving more and more.  For me this guy named Paul Walker was perfection.

During those many lonely afternoons we met many times and slowly Paul became my good friend in the world of day dreaming. We would enjoy talks, I was the one who would talk a lot.  He was the guy with whom I shared many things that I was not able to talk about with my straight friends.  Slowly may be though my introspection or from my watching situation from outer angle Paul did spoke to me about the things that I need to do and the best thing is I did them. I did woke up at 4 in morning and went to gym, I did spent extra more hours in Chemistry book that allowed me to pass that difficult subject, I did brought that muscular behaviour in my body language that made me “acceptable” in my straight friends. I did imitate his every possible move in my troubled teen life and drove my life towards more balanced life by stepping on his foot step.  

 In those days somewhere deep inside a question was pinching my heart that someday this troubled teen phase shall pass, your life will get settled and as a man you will get busy in job and your partner and then what will happen to the great affection that you have for Paul Walker? Would you still enjoy his movies and news then? Or will he remind you those past troubled days of your life? Today I would answer this question that NO! During last 2 years whenever I saw Paul Walker on TV & internet it did gave me pleasant breeze of gratitude. He reminds me that great journey that I did from boy to man, from nothing to something. He taught me true meaning of man hood.  There was one time in my life when I had lost all hopes about my career and today I am enjoying my career. I always thought that someday if I could go to USA I would roam in the clubs of LA and try to catch him in some plush clubs and say Thanks for the difference he made in my life. So much irony that soon I will be able to go to USA and now I can never ever meet him my whole life.

Dear Paul, you never ever did anything that would hurt me man but you passed so soon that this is gonna make me upset for long time. Although I am sad, somewhere inside my spiritual heart there is an echo coming that is saying that you are in better place now. No man in my whole life made the difference that you made in my life.  You never met me, never spoke to me but you did change my life.

Now all I have for you is countless Thanks and great gratitude for god for sending me true superhero in my life.  You will always be in my heart Paul, See you soon in heaven.

क्यूंकि मै हूँ ही Simple यार |

तुम मुझे हमारे गे दोस्तोंके सामने अपना बॉय फ्रेंड कहने से रहे

क्यूंकि मै हूँ "Simple लड़का"!

तुम्हारी पार्टीज , तुम्हारी औटिंग्स मै तू मुझे साथ ले जओंगे नहीं 

क्यूंकि मै पिता नही शराब |

मेरी हर सोच पे तुम और तुम्हारे दोस्तोंको है ऐतराज

इसी लिए कहते है मुझे वो सब डाउन मार्केट मिडल क्लास 

और इसिलए सब के सामने तुम बुलाते हो मुझे सिर्फ अपना "जिगरी यार"|

औंटीजी का कल फोन आया था, किसीने उनको तुम्हारे बारे मै कुछ कहा था,

उनकी नजर मैं मैं तुम्हारा करीबी दोस्त और उनका दूसरा बेटा हूँ तो 

तहकीकात का सिलसिला मुझसेही शुरू होना था |

मेरे डेढ़ घंटे के झूठ ने औंटीजी को सहूलियत देदी |

मेरे झूठ ने औंटी जी को खुश कर दिया |

रिटर्न में उन्होंने मुझेही तुम्हे पिंकी से शादी करने के लिए मानाने  को कहा |

काश मैं उनसे कह सकता की मैं तुम्हारा बॉय फ्रेंड हूँ 

पर तुम्हारी मोम को मेरे लड़के होने से पहले मेरे मिडल क्लास होने पर एतराज आता|

लोग कहते है की प्यार मैं अमीर  गरीब कुछ नहीं होता 

लेकिन तुम्हारे जैसे  GUCCI के शुज खरीदनेको 

भले मेरा बटवा हाँ कहे पर मेरा मन नहीं मानता|

तुम्हारे जैसे महंगे i PHONE मैं नहीं यूज करता 

मुझे तो अपना छोटा handset ही बहूत सुहाता |

Handset में apps मुझे क्यूँ चाहिए?

जब तुम्हारा pic मेरे फोन का wallpaper बन जाता 

और sms हर ५ मिनिट में तुम्हारा  प्यार लेके आता?

हमारे दोस्त तो मुझे चिढाते ही रहेंगे 

और तुम रहोगे हमेशा उनके लिए सुपर स्टार 

तुम्हारे पीठ पचे कहते सब अपने मंसूबे, 

तुम्हे हर कोई चाहता हैं करना प्यार |

तुम्हारे गुड लूक्स से सब है घायल, 

जिस दिन हमारे बारे में उनको पता चलेगा तो वो सब हो जायेंगे पागल :)

याद है हमारी लास्ट  डिनर डेट?

सारी लडकिया देख रही थी तुम्हे मुड मुडकर 

लेकिन तुम थे मुझे अपना बिजनस प्लान बताने में मसरूफ

और मै तुम्हारी आखों में हो गया था मशगुल|

तुम सुनते हो अंग्रेजी गाने, मैं सुनता हूँ गाना पुराना,

तुम पहनते हो ब्रांड्स महंगे, मै पहनता हूँ टी शर्ट सादा,

तुम सुनते हो लेडी गागा , मै सुनता हूँ दीदी लता,

मै भी झाड़ सकता हूँ तुम्हारे जैसी अंग्रेजी लंबी

(झाड़ता भी हूँ ऑफिस में पूंछो अपने  पापा से जरा )

हर फ्रायडे नाईट तुम करते हो क्लब में दोस्तों के साथ शराब का नशा,

लेकिन जब तुम्हेरे पापा ऑफिस में मुझे कहते है

"Well Done आकाश! "

मुझे चढ़ जाता हैं जित का नशा |

लेकिन जब तक तुम्हे वो बात बताऊ नहीं

होता नहीं पूरा जित का सेलिब्रेशन|

हम हैं दो अलग छोर नदी के, लेकिन हमारे प्यार का पूल है मजबूत बड़ा |

पिछले १० Valentine's day और १० बर्थ डे के ग्रीटिंग्स आज भी मैंने है संभाल के रखे

मैंने गिफ्ट कि हुई सिल्क की टाय तुमने तो खो दी |

तुम्हारी फरमाइशे , नखरे  और attitude को भी मैंने है बहूत संभाला 

लेकिन नहीं सभाल पाया वो दिन जब तुम थे सिर्फ तुम और मै था  सिर्फ मैं|

जब हम करते थे पढाई मेरे घर पे, चाय पीते थे शाम को छज्जे पे|

छत पे बेठे तारे गिन गिन रातको करते थे ढेर सारी बाते|

करते थे हर बात शेयर समोसे के साथ, गाते थे दोस्ती वाले फ़िल्मी गाने|

तब नहीं था पता हमे हमारा असली सच, लेकिन कुछ नहीं था झूट हमारे बिच |

नहीं छुपाते थे हम एक दूजे से, नाही दुसरोंसे हमारा रिश्ता |

तब थे हम अच्छे दोस्त, सिर्फ हमारे प्यार ने इसे आज भी बनाये रखा|

लेकिन  अब लगता हैं मुझसे ये नहीं होंगा |

बहूत झूट हम दोनोने है बोल लिया |

बहूत कर लिया मैंने अपने आप ओ अद्जुस्त तुम्हारे लिए

अब तुम भी मेरेघर में आओ जरा

छोड़ के अपने दोस्तों को डिस्को में आओ कभी मेरे घर पे जरा

बेठो मेरे सामने रात भर और पूरी रात सुनो मेरी शायरी जो मने तुमे देख कर लिखता आया हूँ अब तक| 

छोड़ के अपने ग्रीन टी, मेरे साथ फिर से चाय की चुस्किया लगाओ जरा |

छोड़ के अपनी  Diplomatic बाते, करो मुझसे गुफ्तगू जरा|

छोड़ दो कुछ दिनों के लिए अपने महलको, मेरे साथ मेरी जिन्दगी भी कभी जियो जरा |

क्यूँ  नहीं कहते तुम हमारे दोस्तोको सच हमारे बारे मै ?

क्यूँ  नहीं दिखाते सबको वो tattoo मेरे नाम का?

क्यूँ नहीं करते तुम झूट से परहेज? जब रिश्ता हैं सच हमारा |

तुमसे कर की इतनी लम्बी बात, नहीं करूँगा तुम्हारे reply की expectation,

मैं पागल ही हूँ जो करता हूँ तुम्हे इतना प्यार |

करता था करता हूँ और करता रहूँगा तुम्हे प्यार |

क्यूँ की मै हूँ ही  लड़का बड़ा simple यार |