From Teen to Man, on the footsteps of Paul Walker

(a gay boy’s journey through darkness to self-belief )

The moment I read that new saying Paul Walker has passed away the first thought came in my mind that wish this is joke. But after 5 seconds when I saw that sad news on internet my heart literally sunk in sadness. For few seconds I was paralyzed with the shock and could not even moved my eyes from that heart breaking news. Paul Walker had gone from us. The actor with whom I spent most of my teenhood with in day dreaming, the guy whom I saw as role model and big brother has gone all the way from me for never coming back; this news was like tight slap on my face or like waking up from a dream in which I was talking to him by sitting next to him and watching sunset. I saw many dreams like this in my late teenhood.

 His deep blue eyes, blond hairs, handsome jaw and muscular body was like Greek god. Or an angel you can say. With these things in kitty he came in Fast &Furious and appeared like boy next door and instantly entered in the hearts of many people. Then he came in sequels through which he indeed maintain that impression of cool dude with whom every macho man would enjoy to grab beer with. Side by side he was doing other movies too. When he appeared macho rough Brian in F&F, he did express his emotional but tenacious side in movie Eight Below. And how can I not say anything about Into The Blue? Wans’t his beefy body perfect for that oceanic thriller? Would that movie remained same sexy and spicy without star like him? He was a great actor. He successfully managed to maintain those above average things without crossing the line and remain presentable and noticeable.

 For the whole world Paul was just a “Fast & Furious guy” but for me he was more than that. For me he was the first complete man that I saw during my painful transaction from boy to man. The first role model that I saw whose big muscles really motivated me to hit gym and be like him, as if his calm and balanced face and receptive eyes were saying to trouble teen like me ‘don’t give up dude, don’t give up. There is so much ahead in life which you cannot see yet but it is worth living. This painful life is meant for something better, something good and something enormous that makes your life complete.’ He was my first true Hollywood crush. Even till today I see him with respect that I never had for any other man. I always had those divine, reverent feeling for him which are far beyond physical attraction and thirst for physical love. Although he was completely my type of guy I never ever imagined him as my lover or he making me love. For him my feelings were always as pure as any person would have for his or her elder brother.   During all the time I spent watching his movies he never spoke to me but said so many things to me.  During those many lonely summer afternoons of teenhood I would sit alone in TV room and watch his movies again and again. I would pause the VCD right when his full face came on screen and keep staring his tranquil blue eyes and kind face. It was as if he was sitting right before me. And then through his deep blue eyes I would dive in the ocean of thoughts and introspection. The only practice I would do during that time is I would ask myself three questions.

“What I am?

What I need to do?

Will that get me close to this guy?”

In third question what I meant by ‘this guy’ is Perfection. What I need to do that will give me physique like this guy, confidence like this guy, balance in life and self-belief like this guy has and the serene calmness of face that tells all the jewels of manhood this guy has achieved in his life and still achieving more and more.  For me this guy named Paul Walker was perfection.

During those many lonely afternoons we met many times and slowly Paul became my good friend in the world of day dreaming. We would enjoy talks, I was the one who would talk a lot.  He was the guy with whom I shared many things that I was not able to talk about with my straight friends.  Slowly may be though my introspection or from my watching situation from outer angle Paul did spoke to me about the things that I need to do and the best thing is I did them. I did woke up at 4 in morning and went to gym, I did spent extra more hours in Chemistry book that allowed me to pass that difficult subject, I did brought that muscular behaviour in my body language that made me “acceptable” in my straight friends. I did imitate his every possible move in my troubled teen life and drove my life towards more balanced life by stepping on his foot step.  

 In those days somewhere deep inside a question was pinching my heart that someday this troubled teen phase shall pass, your life will get settled and as a man you will get busy in job and your partner and then what will happen to the great affection that you have for Paul Walker? Would you still enjoy his movies and news then? Or will he remind you those past troubled days of your life? Today I would answer this question that NO! During last 2 years whenever I saw Paul Walker on TV & internet it did gave me pleasant breeze of gratitude. He reminds me that great journey that I did from boy to man, from nothing to something. He taught me true meaning of man hood.  There was one time in my life when I had lost all hopes about my career and today I am enjoying my career. I always thought that someday if I could go to USA I would roam in the clubs of LA and try to catch him in some plush clubs and say Thanks for the difference he made in my life. So much irony that soon I will be able to go to USA and now I can never ever meet him my whole life.

Dear Paul, you never ever did anything that would hurt me man but you passed so soon that this is gonna make me upset for long time. Although I am sad, somewhere inside my spiritual heart there is an echo coming that is saying that you are in better place now. No man in my whole life made the difference that you made in my life.  You never met me, never spoke to me but you did change my life.

Now all I have for you is countless Thanks and great gratitude for god for sending me true superhero in my life.  You will always be in my heart Paul, See you soon in heaven.

Crushing does leave good effects.

Secretly Crushing is not only Burning but it is Purification of Heart!

For all those single men like me who are secretly crushing on a the wonderful handsome man, I want to share a good gyan today. By turning my pen on spiritual mode today I am sharing ink of my thoughts with you. I am writing on crushing!

I wonder how come yet no author has found the fact that almost major part of gay man’s single life goes around secretly crushing the man who is either in his class, office, neighbourhood or in the same bus he is travelling to. It is painful thing. It is really hard to have all those overwhelming happy cuddly feelings coming for a sweet sugar pie sitting next to you and at a same time pretending like a mid 30s fat woman who is on dieting. Don’t we feel like squeezing that hunk?

No doubt it is painful period of agony.

But crushing also come with some strong benefits. The prolonged crushing phase can give you more than what you can imagine. People think that crushing is either make it or brake it thing. But even in its break it results it gives place for new developments.  Development of new relationships.  Crushing  does leaves some incredible good effects.

Creativity – Crushing makes you more creative. Sitting on back bench of class when you regularly sketch blueprints of your future “plans” on that “property” you enhance your planning, thinking skills which eventually make you a potential boyfriend candidate whose specialty is good in throwing surprise dinner date.

Neglects Irritation – Don’t those cricket fanatics jumping all around us like kid irritate us? Don’t that stupid girls whining on each other bore us? Crushing makes us so much glue to the object of our desire that we really don’t bother about such maniacs around us. We become completely passive to the irritation.

Purification of Heart – Everything comes with expiry date, so the crush too. No matter how big now you feel like holding him forever one day your interest in that guy will be gone and he will end up as just another guy in your friend circle.  But feelings gave for that guy will always leave their significant role. That pain, love, affection will not leave just like that. It will take a way dissatisfaction, sorrow and hopelessness from your heart and will make you more prepared mentally and physically for the guy meant for you J

So guys and gals, If you are crushing on a guy then keep it up. One day you will overcome his crush and you will find more mature, sincere and committed you within you.

Other Side...

It was my dear friend Avi's tweet asking me that why I am not writing any more on my this GAY blog?

That tweet really reminded me that it's been long time since I openly expresses my queer thoughts on this wonderful platform. What kept me away so long?

The Real Life!

Or I would say the other side of real life where I got so busy in other affairs of life that I literally forgot to writing frequently here. But today while looking back and taking account of things those kept me away from my G blog & what they gave me in return is amazing. It has been more than a quarter since I am lost in day to day's life. during this time I worked on many things, my office, major projects, job interviews  appraisal, my Ph D program application & list goes on.

None of them are completely over yet but none of them are remained on head any more. I am happy that I worked on it & today I do not have any bad notion or complaint about my simple life.


Mean while I went close to god. I worked on my spiritual side too. And it gave me such a good feeling that I would might not have had gotten that from any relationship with any guy on PlanetRomeo. I felt content, secure, committed & most important, disciplined.

In a nutshell if I have to say then I would say, I moved out of that uncertain circle & moved closed to that mid 30 disciplined routine life. (though I m in mid 20s). I take it as an experience. I have no grudges, no regrets nor any complaints .I stepped out of my regular pinky plush life and diced into the ocean of discipline & dedication towards my life. It is a wonderful experience & I would say every Gay should take this experience.
'

So guys all I wanna say is thank you so much for sending all those emails & calls. Now I am back & I will make sure that my blog will give U more happening & at same more realistic time.

Have a great Life!
Lots of love
IndianMetroGAY!

क्यूंकि मै हूँ ही Simple यार |

तुम मुझे हमारे गे दोस्तोंके सामने अपना बॉय फ्रेंड कहने से रहे

क्यूंकि मै हूँ "Simple लड़का"!

तुम्हारी पार्टीज , तुम्हारी औटिंग्स मै तू मुझे साथ ले जओंगे नहीं 

क्यूंकि मै पिता नही शराब |

मेरी हर सोच पे तुम और तुम्हारे दोस्तोंको है ऐतराज

इसी लिए कहते है मुझे वो सब डाउन मार्केट मिडल क्लास 

और इसिलए सब के सामने तुम बुलाते हो मुझे सिर्फ अपना "जिगरी यार"|

औंटीजी का कल फोन आया था, किसीने उनको तुम्हारे बारे मै कुछ कहा था,

उनकी नजर मैं मैं तुम्हारा करीबी दोस्त और उनका दूसरा बेटा हूँ तो 

तहकीकात का सिलसिला मुझसेही शुरू होना था |

मेरे डेढ़ घंटे के झूठ ने औंटीजी को सहूलियत देदी |

मेरे झूठ ने औंटी जी को खुश कर दिया |

रिटर्न में उन्होंने मुझेही तुम्हे पिंकी से शादी करने के लिए मानाने  को कहा |

काश मैं उनसे कह सकता की मैं तुम्हारा बॉय फ्रेंड हूँ 

पर तुम्हारी मोम को मेरे लड़के होने से पहले मेरे मिडल क्लास होने पर एतराज आता|

लोग कहते है की प्यार मैं अमीर  गरीब कुछ नहीं होता 

लेकिन तुम्हारे जैसे  GUCCI के शुज खरीदनेको 

भले मेरा बटवा हाँ कहे पर मेरा मन नहीं मानता|

तुम्हारे जैसे महंगे i PHONE मैं नहीं यूज करता 

मुझे तो अपना छोटा handset ही बहूत सुहाता |

Handset में apps मुझे क्यूँ चाहिए?

जब तुम्हारा pic मेरे फोन का wallpaper बन जाता 

और sms हर ५ मिनिट में तुम्हारा  प्यार लेके आता?

हमारे दोस्त तो मुझे चिढाते ही रहेंगे 

और तुम रहोगे हमेशा उनके लिए सुपर स्टार 

तुम्हारे पीठ पचे कहते सब अपने मंसूबे, 

तुम्हे हर कोई चाहता हैं करना प्यार |

तुम्हारे गुड लूक्स से सब है घायल, 

जिस दिन हमारे बारे में उनको पता चलेगा तो वो सब हो जायेंगे पागल :)

याद है हमारी लास्ट  डिनर डेट?

सारी लडकिया देख रही थी तुम्हे मुड मुडकर 

लेकिन तुम थे मुझे अपना बिजनस प्लान बताने में मसरूफ

और मै तुम्हारी आखों में हो गया था मशगुल|

तुम सुनते हो अंग्रेजी गाने, मैं सुनता हूँ गाना पुराना,

तुम पहनते हो ब्रांड्स महंगे, मै पहनता हूँ टी शर्ट सादा,

तुम सुनते हो लेडी गागा , मै सुनता हूँ दीदी लता,

मै भी झाड़ सकता हूँ तुम्हारे जैसी अंग्रेजी लंबी

(झाड़ता भी हूँ ऑफिस में पूंछो अपने  पापा से जरा )

हर फ्रायडे नाईट तुम करते हो क्लब में दोस्तों के साथ शराब का नशा,

लेकिन जब तुम्हेरे पापा ऑफिस में मुझे कहते है

"Well Done आकाश! "

मुझे चढ़ जाता हैं जित का नशा |

लेकिन जब तक तुम्हे वो बात बताऊ नहीं

होता नहीं पूरा जित का सेलिब्रेशन|

हम हैं दो अलग छोर नदी के, लेकिन हमारे प्यार का पूल है मजबूत बड़ा |

पिछले १० Valentine's day और १० बर्थ डे के ग्रीटिंग्स आज भी मैंने है संभाल के रखे

मैंने गिफ्ट कि हुई सिल्क की टाय तुमने तो खो दी |

तुम्हारी फरमाइशे , नखरे  और attitude को भी मैंने है बहूत संभाला 

लेकिन नहीं सभाल पाया वो दिन जब तुम थे सिर्फ तुम और मै था  सिर्फ मैं|

जब हम करते थे पढाई मेरे घर पे, चाय पीते थे शाम को छज्जे पे|

छत पे बेठे तारे गिन गिन रातको करते थे ढेर सारी बाते|

करते थे हर बात शेयर समोसे के साथ, गाते थे दोस्ती वाले फ़िल्मी गाने|

तब नहीं था पता हमे हमारा असली सच, लेकिन कुछ नहीं था झूट हमारे बिच |

नहीं छुपाते थे हम एक दूजे से, नाही दुसरोंसे हमारा रिश्ता |

तब थे हम अच्छे दोस्त, सिर्फ हमारे प्यार ने इसे आज भी बनाये रखा|

लेकिन  अब लगता हैं मुझसे ये नहीं होंगा |

बहूत झूट हम दोनोने है बोल लिया |

बहूत कर लिया मैंने अपने आप ओ अद्जुस्त तुम्हारे लिए

अब तुम भी मेरेघर में आओ जरा

छोड़ के अपने दोस्तों को डिस्को में आओ कभी मेरे घर पे जरा

बेठो मेरे सामने रात भर और पूरी रात सुनो मेरी शायरी जो मने तुमे देख कर लिखता आया हूँ अब तक| 

छोड़ के अपने ग्रीन टी, मेरे साथ फिर से चाय की चुस्किया लगाओ जरा |

छोड़ के अपनी  Diplomatic बाते, करो मुझसे गुफ्तगू जरा|

छोड़ दो कुछ दिनों के लिए अपने महलको, मेरे साथ मेरी जिन्दगी भी कभी जियो जरा |

क्यूँ  नहीं कहते तुम हमारे दोस्तोको सच हमारे बारे मै ?

क्यूँ  नहीं दिखाते सबको वो tattoo मेरे नाम का?

क्यूँ नहीं करते तुम झूट से परहेज? जब रिश्ता हैं सच हमारा |

तुमसे कर की इतनी लम्बी बात, नहीं करूँगा तुम्हारे reply की expectation,

मैं पागल ही हूँ जो करता हूँ तुम्हे इतना प्यार |

करता था करता हूँ और करता रहूँगा तुम्हे प्यार |

क्यूँ की मै हूँ ही  लड़का बड़ा simple यार |

Book Review: Quarantine

Book Review: Quarantine

No matter how beautiful words you might come across about this book in review pages, this is a simple straightforward review from gay living in India for gays living in India!

Being an Indian Gay, reading Quarantine was different experience for me. Where the inner saga of acceptance, identity & coming out to parents ends from there stories of Quarantine begins.

This is the book which would keep glued those homosexual men who are eager to explore further shades of gay life or have already experienced them. Far ahead than crushes, love, heart brakes & lust, Rahul Mehta’s book gives you the narration of events that happens in matured gay phase of life. These are stories of Gay & Non Gay things happening around gay men.

The first thing I would appreciate about this book is its fabulous Pink cover which softens the mood & makes it handier. 9 stories are of 9 second generation Indian origin gay men living in USA. Many of them are having partners few of them are single. More or less considerable presence of family characters in stories gives more Indian-ness to the plot. Although it is first book of author, narration is quite good but characters do not get more familiar while reading due to less expressive presentation of characters. At one point of time you will feel that all stories have happened to a single guy in different college years.

Last 3 stories are holding almost half of the pages of book. Author does have successfully presented few issues which Indian readers would feel some attachment with but as I said above unclear expression of characters & limited narration on few events will not make you hold or emphasize with story nor character.

This is a perfect book for gay men in 30s when they have done with career, relations, understood all complexities of gay life & have enough time to talk to people like them. I am not saying all characters in book are in 30s but Indian readers of 20s would find it too mature.

For the points I shall give 2/5. 

Why Mom of Every Indian GAY Boy MUST Loosen Her Kitchen Apron?

(Most Important things you need to do before coming out to her)

I know very few or almost no moms are going to read this but all those gay boys who are reading this post to them I will say guys read this with cool mind, this is something very serious.

When it comes to mom we have that sweet sugary merrily figure appears in our minds who is either wanna feed us food all the time or stop us from eating everything all the time. She could be kind soft in books but in real Indian urban lives mothers do holds some portion of stiffness in their attitude which they have earned by peeling potatoes for our aloo parathas in kitchen for years. They would listen to our talks but they will always keep clung bunch of rigidity in their attitude just like they keep wearing that kitchen apron @ the time we are cooking Maggie on our own. This is their nature, precaution, idea about “could be events”, over confidence whatever u wanna name it you can name it but you cannot ignore that it is their reluctant nature towards our ideas, talks, change proposals or any sort of deeds.

So when for a 2 minutes Maggie moms do not loosen themselves how they would accept about their son’s real orientation? Now before few of you starts proving abut you rmom’s wise mentality & your family’s openness I shall make clear one thing that I am talking this about normal middle class Indian gay boys who are still not open to their family because they know their parents would not be able to understand it or if understood then not be able to handle it.

It is very very important for boys to not hide their orientation from their parents but at a same time they must maintain the balance and harmony in house. If their coming out is going to give heart attack to their mom or going to trap them in forced marriage then they must wait for the right time. But this “right time” is also not specifically predefined or precisely marked on calendar. It is you only who have to develop the idea, understanding in your mother’s mind. It is really necessary to form that idea of “right of living life on own wish” in her mind. Because many Indian moms are highly spiritual. If they have not sets of intellectual thoughts in their mind then they would never embrace the truth even after your coming out and start praying to god to turn you straight and get u married to the “sidhi sadhi ladki” till the last pooja of their lives.
So guys no matter how good English we throw outside, how big talks we spray out but @ the home moms are the same decades old moms who really do not know anything about gayism for her it’s like curable disease or temporary erectile disability only. She doesn’t know that being GAY is more of heart rather than only physical needs. They holds big bunch of bad ideas about gay people which cannot be removed by simply saying “Mom I am GAY”. That is why I am saying that every mom of gay boy must loosen her apron of reluctant & prejudiced thoughts and must embrace the reality.


How she can do it? Hmm check my thoughts,


This big block must be dissolved rather than removing it. Because more u oppose her structural thoughts more she is going to resist you. So this process of dissolving her wrong thoughts must be done slowly & so it demands more time. The most important thing in this process is it must be done and finished before you coming out to her. You can say it will give her basic introduction to gayism which she will also observe and not resist it because by then she would be having secure feeling in her mind that “MY son is NOT gay” and so she won’t resist these observations as long as you r not involved in it (in her mind).

Then next step is to build that confidence in her mind! For mom son will always be a kid so she always thinks that my son needs me. Which is unfortunately not false in many cases so guys do your house work more properly. Learn cooking from her, spend extra time at home fixing leak tap, leaking sink, cleaning furniture & doing other stuffs. Create that image of dependable Super Boy in her mind, create that circle of reliability. So she will also accept that you can live on your own and if not Maggie then at least you can cook daal khichdi when you are sick in her absence :) When U will come out she will have that confidence that U can live on Ur own.

Opening the windows does not bring light only in but it also brings fresh air too. Change is universal law and give that law to her. Give her some extra time for her hobbies, art, mehendi classes, book shop, theatres, kaththak shows, dance shows. Let her re-live her freedom ad love it. Then only she could respect and recognize your need for freedom & so your wishes also.

Introduce her to few of your straight acting decent gay friends and do tell her that they are gay. It will create a good image about gays In her mind, if not clear the wrong perceptions at least for sure

These things will be like a small introduction to gayism to Indian moms. I not guarantee that they would accept it whole heartedly but it will reduce the stroke she would be getting. So guys think about it, share your thoughts, write comments & stay tuned!
Love,

Indian Metro GAY
@IndianMetroGAY

Why I want to Kiss a MAN?

....because few feelings cannot be expressed in works & they should not be.

The b est way to convey these feelings is Kiss. I wanna Kissa man & tell him what I feel for him.

On the Cheek - I Miss You

On the Hand - I am Yours

On the Neck - I Want You

On the Forehead - I Care 4 U

On the Lips - I LOVE YOU

Image source- http://eyecandy.abzolute.net/