(a gay boy’s journey through darkness to self-belief )
The moment I read that new saying Paul Walker has passed
away the first thought came in my mind that wish this is joke. But after 5
seconds when I saw that sad news on internet my heart literally sunk in
sadness. For few seconds I was paralyzed with the shock and could not even
moved my eyes from that heart breaking news. Paul Walker had gone from us. The
actor with whom I spent most of my teenhood with in day dreaming, the guy whom
I saw as role model and big brother has gone all the way from me for never
coming back; this news was like tight slap on my face or like waking up from a
dream in which I was talking to him by sitting next to him and watching sunset.
I saw many dreams like this in my late teenhood.
His deep blue eyes, blond hairs, handsome jaw and muscular
body was like Greek god. Or an angel you can say. With these things in kitty he
came in Fast &Furious and appeared like boy next door and instantly entered
in the hearts of many people. Then he came in sequels through which he indeed
maintain that impression of cool dude with whom every macho man would enjoy to
grab beer with. Side by side he was doing other movies too. When he appeared
macho rough Brian in F&F, he did express his emotional but tenacious side
in movie Eight Below. And how can I not say anything about Into The Blue? Wans’t
his beefy body perfect for that oceanic thriller? Would that movie remained
same sexy and spicy without star like him? He was a great actor. He successfully
managed to maintain those above average things without crossing the line and
remain presentable and noticeable.
For the whole world Paul was just a “Fast & Furious guy”
but for me he was more than that. For me he was the first complete man that I
saw during my painful transaction from boy to man. The first role model that I
saw whose big muscles really motivated me to hit gym and be like him, as if his
calm and balanced face and receptive eyes were saying to trouble teen like me ‘don’t
give up dude, don’t give up. There is so much ahead in life which you cannot
see yet but it is worth living. This painful life is meant for something better,
something good and something enormous that makes your life complete.’ He was my
first true Hollywood crush. Even till today I see him with respect that I never
had for any other man. I always had those divine, reverent feeling for him which
are far beyond physical attraction and thirst for physical love. Although he
was completely my type of guy I never ever imagined him as my lover or he
making me love. For him my feelings were always as pure as any person would
have for his or her elder brother. During all the time I spent watching his
movies he never spoke to me but said so many things to me. During those many lonely summer afternoons of
teenhood I would sit alone in TV room and watch his movies again and again. I
would pause the VCD right when his full face came on screen and keep staring
his tranquil blue eyes and kind face. It was as if he was sitting right before
me. And then through his deep blue eyes I would dive in the ocean of thoughts
and introspection. The only practice I would do during that time is I would ask
myself three questions.
“What I am?
What I need to do?
Will that get me close to this guy?”
In third question what I meant by ‘this guy’ is Perfection.
What I need to do that will give me physique like this guy, confidence like this
guy, balance in life and self-belief like this guy has and the serene calmness
of face that tells all the jewels of manhood this guy has achieved in his life
and still achieving more and more. For
me this guy named Paul Walker was perfection.
During those many lonely afternoons we met many times and
slowly Paul became my good friend in the world of day dreaming. We would enjoy
talks, I was the one who would talk a lot.
He was the guy with whom I shared many things that I was not able to
talk about with my straight friends. Slowly
may be though my introspection or from my watching situation from outer angle
Paul did spoke to me about the things that I need to do and the best thing is I
did them. I did woke up at 4 in morning and went to gym, I did spent extra more
hours in Chemistry book that allowed me to pass that difficult subject, I did
brought that muscular behaviour in my body language that made me “acceptable”
in my straight friends. I did imitate his every possible move in my troubled
teen life and drove my life towards more balanced life by stepping on his foot
step.
In those days somewhere
deep inside a question was pinching my heart that someday this troubled teen
phase shall pass, your life will get settled and as a man you will get busy in
job and your partner and then what will happen to the great affection that you
have for Paul Walker? Would you still enjoy his movies and news then? Or will
he remind you those past troubled days of your life? Today I would answer this
question that NO! During last 2 years whenever I saw Paul Walker on TV &
internet it did gave me pleasant breeze of gratitude. He reminds me that great
journey that I did from boy to man, from nothing to something. He taught me
true meaning of man hood. There was one
time in my life when I had lost all hopes about my career and today I am
enjoying my career. I always thought that someday if I could go to USA I would
roam in the clubs of LA and try to catch him in some plush clubs and say Thanks
for the difference he made in my life. So much irony that soon I will be able
to go to USA and now I can never ever meet him my whole life.
Dear Paul, you never ever did anything that would hurt me
man but you passed so soon that this is gonna make me upset for long time.
Although I am sad, somewhere inside my spiritual heart there is an echo coming
that is saying that you are in better place now. No man in my whole life made
the difference that you made in my life. You never met me, never spoke to me but you
did change my life.
Now all I have for you is countless Thanks and great gratitude
for god for sending me true superhero in my life. You will always be in my heart Paul, See you
soon in heaven.
