Mystery of unknown future..

Mystery of unknown future or should I say mystery of other side?

I do not know that....

Why I am asking this question? It is beautiful Tuesday morning, I am having off, I woke up early, did my tai chi, was having tea and enjoying this beautiful weather and then he came. Thought of boyfriend. Why I do not have a good boyfriend yet? And this time it hurt me. No No No this is not a simple deal for me. I am a guy in my late twenties, I am gay and to be who I am I have done great sacrifices in my life and now when I am in that stage of life where everything is ok I need not to wait for boyfriend. This is what I think.

 To me, what hurt most about not having boyfriend is not that missing fun or love making but what hurt me most is that he is not in my life. he who I love most in my whole life after god. He the one who is my everything after god and there is nothing in this physical world that can be dearer to me than him. Whose even a one single semi smile can make me jump in the sky, who sing "hey dear" can make my day, by looking whom my eyes will lit like thousand candles, bright, happy and with full of energy. I am waiting for him and he is not coming.

 Don't give me advise. This is not my first rodeo. I have done all that meditation, patience, prayer and problem is, it is not that I cannot do it any more but the real problem is what if I do these things for my whole life and he does not come? I mean I am losing my 20s and the way 20s is almost gone in blink of an eye 30s will also go and I am not gonna get a handsome guy as boyfriend when I will be in my 40s. I will be looking horrible then.

 I did so many things to get a good boyfriend, did 16 somvar vrats of lord Shiva, went to gym, took lots of good snaps, enrolled on every gay dating site, went out an "socialized", meditations, visualizations, visions boards, tell me what I have not done?

All it feels like the time is slipping out of my fist as sea sand.  But then I think from another angle. I think that it is me who thinks like it is me who deserves a good boyfriend and I should receive it but what does universe see it as? What does universe has for me? and when? is it now or years laters? or decade or never? philiosophical angles says "chill" and practical angle says"move your butt". Trapped between these two logic I am simple single gay guy thinking about mystery of unknown future.

Boyfriend is Sunday. Sunday is Boyfriend.

On this sunny Sunday afternoon of Autumn I am writing this post by sitting on couch, overlooking my backyard. Today I am writing this post because I felt something unusual. I just realized that how beautiful this Sunday afternoon is. I am feeling relaxed, I am chilling in this beautiful weather, I am feeling like sunny warm sun rays are cuddling my body fondly. I wont stop myself saying that I am feeling pampered. Isn't it the feeling that we get when we are in love?

     We all have that imaginary vision of would be boyfriend in our minds. We hold that imagination describing how our life would be when we have that cute, caring, loving man in our apartment as a boyfriend. What he would do when we are enjoying Sunday afternoon together in apartment. Laundries are done, lunch is done, we have watched a good movie last night and not glued to Netflix.  We are just enjoying each other's company like body soaking sun rays of spring sun after a long winter. 

  I get all these feeling on sunny Sunday afternoon. I do not have that perfect lovely gentleman in my life who would bring spring in my single wintery life. Not yet. But soon it will come. And this sunny Sunday afternoon give me hint of that future would be thing. 

Although he is not here yet, I know how it will be when he will be here. It will be like a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Boyfriend is Sunday. Sunday is Boyfriend.

Being “Choosy”

Mollita, my best gay friend and beloved friend cum sister could never found any cons in me except my choosy behavior. She thinks that I am dam choosy and it’s bad. But I think what’s wrong in being choosy?

So what if I have left many good looking boys unanswered till today and  turned down many proposal I was not choosy  with them they just were not like me. I am 25, single, decent in the big city, well settled and still I am single. Mollita just can’t take it. She wants to see me with very next available good English speaking Indian guy. She always counted my fault of being too choosy and showed many possibilities which would had came true if I hadn’t rejected last guy. Off course this is what she thinks about me. But what I see in me is I am happy and I like it, I love it in fact. And why I could get this happiness despite being single because I am choosy. It’s nothing wrong is hoping for higher things when you can offer it’s equal return. If I am expecting a very handsome, sweet, lovely guy then I also have many things in my closet to offer him. He will get freaked out my juicy combination of looks, body and heart. I am a dam romantic person I can offer him enormous lovely surprise an unending different ways to make love.

I have all this with me. So I don’t mind when people call me choosy. Because I know I am not choosy. I am looking something equal in fact.