Mystery of unknown future or should I say mystery of other side?
I do not know that....
Why I am asking this question? It is beautiful Tuesday morning, I am having off, I woke up early, did my tai chi, was having tea and enjoying this beautiful weather and then he came. Thought of boyfriend. Why I do not have a good boyfriend yet? And this time it hurt me. No No No this is not a simple deal for me. I am a guy in my late twenties, I am gay and to be who I am I have done great sacrifices in my life and now when I am in that stage of life where everything is ok I need not to wait for boyfriend. This is what I think.
To me, what hurt most about not having boyfriend is not that missing fun or love making but what hurt me most is that he is not in my life. he who I love most in my whole life after god. He the one who is my everything after god and there is nothing in this physical world that can be dearer to me than him. Whose even a one single semi smile can make me jump in the sky, who sing "hey dear" can make my day, by looking whom my eyes will lit like thousand candles, bright, happy and with full of energy. I am waiting for him and he is not coming.
Don't give me advise. This is not my first rodeo. I have done all that meditation, patience, prayer and problem is, it is not that I cannot do it any more but the real problem is what if I do these things for my whole life and he does not come? I mean I am losing my 20s and the way 20s is almost gone in blink of an eye 30s will also go and I am not gonna get a handsome guy as boyfriend when I will be in my 40s. I will be looking horrible then.
I did so many things to get a good boyfriend, did 16 somvar vrats of lord Shiva, went to gym, took lots of good snaps, enrolled on every gay dating site, went out an "socialized", meditations, visualizations, visions boards, tell me what I have not done?
All it feels like the time is slipping out of my fist as sea sand. But then I think from another angle. I think that it is me who thinks like it is me who deserves a good boyfriend and I should receive it but what does universe see it as? What does universe has for me? and when? is it now or years laters? or decade or never? philiosophical angles says "chill" and practical angle says"move your butt". Trapped between these two logic I am simple single gay guy thinking about mystery of unknown future.
I do not know that....
Why I am asking this question? It is beautiful Tuesday morning, I am having off, I woke up early, did my tai chi, was having tea and enjoying this beautiful weather and then he came. Thought of boyfriend. Why I do not have a good boyfriend yet? And this time it hurt me. No No No this is not a simple deal for me. I am a guy in my late twenties, I am gay and to be who I am I have done great sacrifices in my life and now when I am in that stage of life where everything is ok I need not to wait for boyfriend. This is what I think.
To me, what hurt most about not having boyfriend is not that missing fun or love making but what hurt me most is that he is not in my life. he who I love most in my whole life after god. He the one who is my everything after god and there is nothing in this physical world that can be dearer to me than him. Whose even a one single semi smile can make me jump in the sky, who sing "hey dear" can make my day, by looking whom my eyes will lit like thousand candles, bright, happy and with full of energy. I am waiting for him and he is not coming.
Don't give me advise. This is not my first rodeo. I have done all that meditation, patience, prayer and problem is, it is not that I cannot do it any more but the real problem is what if I do these things for my whole life and he does not come? I mean I am losing my 20s and the way 20s is almost gone in blink of an eye 30s will also go and I am not gonna get a handsome guy as boyfriend when I will be in my 40s. I will be looking horrible then.
I did so many things to get a good boyfriend, did 16 somvar vrats of lord Shiva, went to gym, took lots of good snaps, enrolled on every gay dating site, went out an "socialized", meditations, visualizations, visions boards, tell me what I have not done?
All it feels like the time is slipping out of my fist as sea sand. But then I think from another angle. I think that it is me who thinks like it is me who deserves a good boyfriend and I should receive it but what does universe see it as? What does universe has for me? and when? is it now or years laters? or decade or never? philiosophical angles says "chill" and practical angle says"move your butt". Trapped between these two logic I am simple single gay guy thinking about mystery of unknown future.
