Reminding some old sweet memories

Hello guys,

Here I am again doing live blogging by watching the movie "Papa Kahte Hain" & reminding few of my old sweet memories. I remember, I was in 7th standard when this movie was released.  Everyone was listening it's famous song "ghar se niklte hi" & discussing about new actress Mayuri Kango. One more thing which everyone appreciated from it's songs is beach of Mauritius, later it came to knew that that was the beach of Seychells not Mauritius (here I came to know first time about Seychells).

  I couldn't watch this movie then. But after some time it came on Doordarshan. And then I saw this movie. Before this movie I had seen many movies of the actor in this movie, so he was not new to me. I was keen to listen dialogues of Mayuri. But it went in other way. By then I had started enjoying the various favors of teen hood by my eyes. By then I had started liking few boys on TV and in my neighbor hood. But nobody made me feel special. But when I started watching this movie, I was paralyzed by the hott looks of Rohit . I was literally speechless and staring him like anything. In this movie Rohit appeared as fair, skinny, tall, handsome guy in his early twenties with sharp face features. He was a cute cutie pie and for a moment I literally felt elevated by his innocent looks and sweet nature. Here I decided, When I will grew up I am gonna have a sweet boyfriend like Rohit :)

I was very kiddo then. very childish and very dreamy too. Rohit and film really made me to forget the school problems. I liked his each and everything. In that movie Rohit carried a guitar and here was feeling happy after reminding that me too had ordered a guitar and would get it in next month. No matter I had started imitating him. Need not to say he was in my day dreams for next few weeks. I never knew that this simple movie will make me feel so good and make me fly. I loved each and every part of it. Why not? Apart from Rohit, dazzling performance of Anupamjee, chaotic Mayuri, full on jokes and stunning beaches of Seychells, means a complete combo full flavor meal. I felt stuck on the song "Pehle Pyar ka Pehla Gham". I t was a sad song in which Mayuri feels sad for the 1st pain of her 1st love. How touchy it was. A perfectly picturized song on a heartbroken beautiful girl and perfect lyrics gave me an idea of pain of losing and missing someone.

 I really liked that movie. Each and everything of it. It was in my days dreams for next several months. Rohit gave me an idea of the thing which I really wanted. Dreaming of getting a boyfriend like Rohit itself made me felt tickled in my stomach. Weeks, months passed. I became busy in my school and all these great memories slipped out of my mind slowly. But the name of the movie stayed in my mind as bunch of sweet experiences. 

By now I had lost those people, those memories, that sweet Rohit and that boy too, for whom the only wish in life was getting a boyfriend like Rohit. 

After many years I fell in love with a sweet, handsome boy. He was like Rohit but in his late twenties or early 30s. I Donno his exact age, my relationship with him was also like my relationship with Rohit. One sided. It was the first time I really loved someone like anything. Once gain I was experiencing all those good things which I experienced when first time I saw Rohit :) And one day it finished. Miraculously I was listening the same sad song from that movie.

If I hadn't seen this movie today I hadn't reminded all these sweet memories. Again I am feeling tickled, happy, jolly like a teen. Thank you movie, Thank you Rohit. For making me smile and know how lucky I am :)

Alluring Interracial Relations and other Hitches

Now days me reading a famous novel of Jhumpa Lahiri, a well know author of Indian origin who writes about lives people of Indian origin who are settled abroad. I like Jhumpa's writing, It's detailed. She explains each and every moments with various words. There are few thing which I noticed a lot in Jhumpa's writing are in every story there has to be a Bengali family and an Indian girl marrying white man. Since I m reading her these stories from many days my mind has started churning in different direction and I have actually first time I have started thinking about other way round Interracial relationships.


Wait!

Before we go ahead on this I wanna make few thing clear that I am too ordinary to discuss complication and crunches of racial issues. I am an Indian man who is living India. And still India is not that much educated to understand racial things.


What I want to present here is thoughts of mine on interracial relationships. If it wasn't from the movies of Gurwinder Chadhdha or Novels of Jhumpa Lahiri i hadn't come across the other beautiful side of interracial relationships and so it's pains. First time when I saw Indian Parminder Nangra kissing Jonathan Rhyes Myers frankly in the trailer of Bend it Like Beckham, my eyes stayed wide open, lifts got elevated and a small squarrel ran in my stomach. I was 16 then. Though I had come to know about me by then, it made me feel restless.I mean I wasn't expecting any Indian girl to kiss a white guy on TV. Anyway in reality they had messed my life by not leaving a single handsome boy in school single. They hijacked all my handsome friends and i was left alone spending long recesses in library. white guys were the only untouched piece, that also Ms Nagra had attacked by shooting a long kiss. Indeed I was envied, but it took me years to know that the internal hitching feeling was envy. So I kept ignoring such a good movies, novels, discussion about such girls, even such blue films also.


Years flown and I accepted myself one day. And dropped all the unpleasant, unnecessary views towards society. I became more active than being passive. I started reading news and discussion with more attention and handled discussions with confidence. I had become a very normal guy who wasn't hating anybody. By then I had realized that i envied such relations and seen Bend it like Beckham 11 times. (Actually in those days my inner passion was to get kissed by and Incredibly handsome gora like Jonathan Rhyes Myers.)  So the transit form reluctance to gay identity till acceptance of glory finished. At the end of the transit I was int the arms of handsome North Indian guy who was the perfect blend of my all wishes. He had all the things  which I wanted to see in my dream man. We both were happy. We were just like any other gay couple, but after a year we moved apart. It was a mutual decision to harness our careers. We were in love with each other, but we were practical also.So here I was again alone in the big Bangalore, spending weekend by doing shopping alone, reading blogs and visiting crosswords.
When I was with Anuj (My Exe by then) I had almost forgotten that once I envied interracial relationships of Asian and African women with Caucasian men. Even big billboards of United Colors of Benetton tried to remind me a lot but didn't clicked. The same unburned attempts were clicking my mind till I read Tasleema Nasreen's "French Lover". By the time I purchased that book to read I had became a complete gay with all experiences and had satisfactory experiences. So when I read the book and those all romantic, passionate, fierce, furious, nasty, ravishing physical encounters of Indian woman with her white french lover my mind got churned with so high speed that I uttered "wow" from my mouth. Even I envied that girl for few minutes. I found that interracial thing mind blowing and didn't found that high in any other kind of relationship. 


Now I was weird with firm choices and likes. I'd tend toward these kinda relationships now. I was encouraging them. To get this kinda spicy scoop I started reading Indian female feminist extremist writers' books, started watching cross over movies. It all was less so started digging history also. Read Wiliiam Darlymple's "White Mughals". And after reading that book I was  disappointed for living in 21st century India because I was fascinated by the facts of old colonized Indian where many many & many Indian women got married to these extremely handsome hunky white men all the way from England, France & other rich nations of Europe. It was like an golden era for Indian women where each Indian women had 2 choices. Either getting married to unfaithful, prejudices Indian husband and ask for sex favors from him or become the queen of high rank handsome young white British officer and enjoy the freedom, love and amazing sex. So obviously many Goras could get married to Indian women then. What an amazing era it would had been. None of the school history book taught about that though.
So this book helped me a lot to know ore about Indian women who got married and loved to European men. Here I observed one thing that throughout the book, I related myself with these women. I started reading this book for fun but ended up in emotional support. Why not? I am a gay after all, an important but invincible part of society. Curious to world but less respected creature in the society. just like women of old era. Seriously there is no difference between today's Indian Gays and yestercentury's  Indian women.


Throughout the book I was supporting, feeling happy for such women. The thing which made me to emphasized with them is LOVE. How ridiculous it is if you cannot stay with a person you love? You cannot spend your life with him? Americas, Europe are pretty mature but even today also many women from Asia, Africa who are having boyfriend from another races have to struggle a lot to convince their parents and society.
All this for what? and then too if they are not going for homosexual relationship which is "un-natural" to society?


So being a gay I believe that the amount and way we struggles for our relationships near to that  and close to that way these women also are struggling somewhere. I think we are not alone. What you think?


(Image courtesy http://www.nriinternet.com) 

Debut of GAY relationships in Indian Mainstream Television!!

By introducing the gay angle in the mainstream TV soap Indian TV soap Maryada has created a history in the Indian television. Although show is not playing in the prime time many people must have waited and watched today's episode of the serial in which lead character Gaurav breaks the relationship with his boyfriend because of unavoidable threat from his mother.

Many gay men's dreams came true when they saw that magnificent gay couple on the Indian TV in an emotional scene which any gay man would not want to happen in his own life. The shot was full of emotions with realistic dialogues and pattern. When Gaurav informs his boyfriend that for the life of his own mother Gaurav is leaving him, Gaurav gets speechless on his boy friend's question threatening his own life.

Indeed it was a magnificent debut of Gay relations in Indian TV. Actors, directors & writers have successfully expressed what they wanted to say. Now it's all on Gay men in India and other homophobic people who will decide fate of this serial and the status of Gay relations in Indian society. But the most important judge in this judgement will be common Indian people.

I am eagerly waiting for tomorrow, when I can see the reaction of media. Media is already busy in covering some unexpected events happened in India. In this scenario expecting a big bang on news channels will not be fruitful. Though not on all TV News channels but at least on 2-3 channels we can expect news , talk shows about this.

My worst fear is reaction in other way where public also will join hands of homophobic extremists to express their anger ans deapreciation towards this show. So nothing can be predicted exactly right now.
But here are few things which are really solid enough to consider. By stating these things here I would finish my writing for today and keep posted further happenings.

1 Better late than never, Indian media has considered the presence of queers in India and respected it by introducing gay relations in their story.

2 Gay people have gotten a very good platform to stand in front of the society and introduce themselves in their language, clear the misunderstanding and work towards creating better society for everyone.

3 This serial has helped may gays by boosting their self respect, made them felt that they are no more alone and criticized in the society. Somebody is here who is thinking, understanding their problems and ready to put in front of society in society's own language.

4 Gay people have gotten a very good reason to smile.

(Videos and news on further happenings will be posted soon.)

What I learnt from Kohler Hottie

It was a regular TV prime time. I was having dinner with my family by watching TV. Dad was laughing loudly on the jokes of  his all time lover Jetha Lal (Dont think wrong way, my dad is big time cricket freak ), mom was talking to nani on phone and sister was texting her friend from her left hand. I was sited without any interest in TV and concentrating on eating chicken curry. In the break my dad started changing channels (as usual) and while dad skipping channels, on one channel I saw him. He was the same. The same semi naked energetic handsome guy with muscular body and muscular jaw with a million dollar smile. He was the same guy who raised a huge storms across India last year and now he was reminding me that once again. He was the same Kohler hottie who danced semi naked in the advertisement of famous brand.

Last year when first time I saw that advertisement, I saw it from the middle, right from that track "Roop Tera Mastana" begins. It came then, but the memories are so fresh and clear that it makes me feel as if it happened last month. My eyes were stuck in the same angle for next few seconds. "I will catch him again from the beginning" I promised myself and went to bed. Initially I thought it will be jut another deodorant kinda advert and people will forget it after few days. But I was wrong.

Next Day in the evening I met my gang. As usual we started our meet by chit chatting about here and there and then someone said something about shower I asked has any one seen that Kohler shower advert?
And suddenly Ronny jumped " Yah he is so HOTT naaa....?" then everyone started chatting about him. SO everyone had noticed him. That night I hit youtube by trying all possible keywords, didn't got that add so I turned to TV to catch him Couldn't catch him from beginning, so turned off the video and hit the bed. I really wanted that advert to become a normal mood, I really does not wanted it to become a big trend and tolerate the heat of that fiery hot guy.But i was wrong. He kept arriving in front of my eyes from magazines, Internet, TV, Hording & most influential, in the discussions with my G friends. Slowly he became a well discussed guy with huge fan following. His fans were talking about him, him & him all the time. Every one in our gang wanted to catch a single more glimpse of that guy. Every body had given up on youtube, google videos & other search engines. But his video was on TV only. So if everyone was flying with him in their dreams, how would I stayed on ground at that time? I was single then so there was a vacancy in my mind for an act called day dreaming.

 I was daydreaming about him. He was my boy friend in my day & night dreams. He was with me all the time, everywhere, every moment. In the yoga class, in temple, in office, in board room meetings, in library, outside the trial room of mall waiting for me to come out and show whether that tee suits me or not. I was not able to focus on anything since he was with me all the time. Except gym he was with me all the time. In the gym I was alone, eager to lift more, more and more weights, hit the targets and reach him as early as possible. No doubt I started focusing more on y physique. I started waking up early. I used to hit gym early morning 6. Till 8.30 I used to do workout again in the evening I hit the gym. Even me too couldn't understood when I started turning me into him. The first thing which I like in him was his great Greek God kind of physique and I wanted to get that in any cost. I focused on my diet, game eating laddus and other fat rich food. I was eating more and more fruits, drinking more water.
       If the days were hectic then nights too became more occupied. I brought a workout guide which was meant for aspiring hunks like me. It was with full of details. Details on workout, body biology, body chemistry, food, diet and all that. I still remember on the bed still my eyes were open, they were reading that guide and once they closed, they saw him sitting next to me, speaking romantic thing by moving his fingures in my hairs, askign me how's day? appreciating me for my hard work and one day he came to me as usual. I had closed my eyes after a long day. I was waiting for him to come and sit next to me, meanwhile i was enjoying the soft touch of my mattress on my bare back and was moving my pa on my bare chest. Oh my god, how relaxing it is? I said to myself. then i slowly noticed a soft, silky presence of my chest hairs in my palm. I had always loved my these soft short silky chect hairs. They were just accurate. Not so bushy not so apart, just perfect. Their brown shade of color was making my white chest mouth wateringly sexy. I ave a smile of proud on them. I was feeling like any proud father had felt on his kid topping the school.  But slowly one questioned
peeked in my mind.
Does he has hairs on his broad, muscular, white chest?
before I could answer the question I opened my eyes. Light the side lamp, hit bathroom and killed all my topper kids by trimmer.

HAAAAA I was feeling more proud on my freshly trimmed, pinked white chest! I never loved my mirror this much by then. it took me one step closer to him. I slept very well that night though he didn't came to see me.
Everything was moving nice, I was about to reach that hot physique soon. And one day I got bombed in office. Boss threw a difficult assignment on me which I had to finish in one month. I does not wanted to take any chance since quarterly appraisal was near but still in my heart I was feeling low. That night I gave him a long hug in dream and excused from him for 1 month.I seriously wanted to work hard on this tricky assignment. Then I though it will take one month only but it got extended, soon after that boss kicked me on another one, that too I finished in given time and then he kicked me on a another. But this time it was a long and in another city. I shifted there for time being, lost daily evening coffee with my gang, so lost all chit chats, gossips and most important, my Kohler hottie. Office targets became high, workload increased, pressure and responsibilities were all time high. It was my great health only which kept me working in the office and made me recharge on weekend by spending nice time with best guys in the town. I was in other town, with great physique, single. All good looking guys jumped on me and we had a great time. It went for several months. Absolutely I was in that weekly cycle, working hard on weekdays, having fun on weekends.I really don't know when he stopped coming to my bedside in the night to chat with me. one day while flipping pages of newspaper I saw him. He was still the same, very hot! But I was cold, I left my breath and turned the page. One month after that I got an email from Ronny which was containing an URL in content and I love you written in bold blocks in subject line. Ronny never send this kinda emails before. I clicked the url and waited for a video to stream.That was the video of same advert in which first time I saw him. Yes, I saw him. He was the same. The same semi naked energetic handsome guy with muscular body and muscular jaw with a million dollar smile. He was the same guy who raised a huge storms across India in last several months and now he was reminding me that once again. He was the same hottie but his flame senced cold to me and i closed that video once it finished. No doubt he is a great guy, but I was not excited. Time had flew and lost his need in my life.

Today when I remind this entire scenario I said thanks to god for not sending such a cute hottie in my life. I would not had afford to give him a time. Those were the days when I never imagined myself not watching his picture or video less than twice a day and today I saw him after a long time. It was me only who left all the things and ran away on multiple assignments in different cities just for an appraisal, just to keep boss happy, just to complete office project and prove my efficiency. What had actually happened if then I had same kinda guy in my life? Had I given him a time? Had I continued long discussions in those nights when I had a long hectic, tiring day? And most important

Had I genuinely tried becoming like him? Shaping my body and personality like he has?

Off course this guy helped me in many ways. I learnt many things from him. Great workout, good diet, dashing personality and all this he taught me by motivating me. It was inspiration only which I got from him and made me learnt many things from him.
Thanks Kohler hottie. Thanks for giving me shower of inspiration, motivation and joy.

I still feels WII IIIIIIIIII....

I have stop watching Blue Films regularly, stop surfing porn sites. I have passed that great teen phase of life when every boy & girl stares each others again and again and could not find what is making him to do it again and again. It's been a long time when I took help of my hands for "great job". I have started looking for boys with good heart and brain and stopped searching good chicks. In fact I am doing all things which 24+ gay guy does. But still there is one thing which makes me paralyze in first look, pulls me back in the "edge" of 17, makes my heart jump out of the ocean, lifts my right feet and drop my jaw. It's a difficult thing to express in words. It's not a single emotion but the bunch of various extreme feelings. I call it feeling "WIIIIIII".

 What makes me feel WIII is handsome hunk with sharp face features, killer looks and great attitude. Today also i feel WIIII only different n numbers of I are less that it were in WIII of those days. The frequency and intensity of this feeling is less comparatively lesser than that of 6- years ago's. Those were the amazing days of my life so most memorable too. I was single then, with few busy gay friends, who were so terrified of their identity that they almost never picked my call when they were not alone in their home or office. other bunch of straight friends was busy in making heterosexual relationships and catering their all assets to their girlfriends. So there I was bit lonely. Deleting massages with ugly body pics on guys4men.co surfing gay porn sites, and doing all things which lonely gay teen does in his room. I was really doing hard to understand laws of life and whenever I used to settle myself I used to come across handsome hunk with sharp face features, great attitude and all those configurations which I wanted in myself  when I had reached his age. The serious handsome storm never came alone, it brought nasty twister of daydreams also with it. The nasty twister used to stay so long that i would ignored meeting new gay friends of my gay friends just to wait to see that irresistible storm again.
This used to happen like a chain reaction till I would see him with girl, noticed that he is not noticing my presence in gym or the worst see the next Handome storm.

I donno why but I found all succeeding hunks 100s times hotter than previous ones. So the power of storms were higher, duration was longer  and twisters were highly revolved in itself. It like a chronic cycle. I was enjoying it. By 19 I had ended up with a big list. I don't remember all members of this "page of honor" but few of them I have written below.

1 Jas Arroa (Gori naal ishq mita)

2 Hrithik Roshan  (Only in Kaho Na Pyar Hain)


3 Brett Lee  (I am not cricket freak but do not have any option for a straight father and straight brother)

4 Suraj Bhaiyya (I was instructed to call him Bhaiyya. 26 years old eldest son of Kashmiri Pandit neighbor family)

5 Virat Uncle (Papa's newly married colleague)

6 Parag (New Cool Dude in society with Brand new Red Pulsar)

7 Mr. He (I couldn't ask him his name. Hottest one, so hot that never made me move to him from swimming pool lobby and ask him his name.)

8 Ben Olson (My senior in college, handsome European snow prince originally from Amsterdam and with bitchest girl of town as a girlfriend.)

9 Tom Cruise (Then he was not uncle and not irritating)

10 Kunal Sir (My web designing tutor in computer class, don't remember face of this sweet Bengali guy. Only remember is bunch of black hairs out of  uppermost button of shirt.)

...and many more....


So it went on & on & on... I was in my 17 to 20 then. With all wings full charged ready to soar high in the skies of imagination, enjoying every sip of every look. Donno when I met a nice hearted guy and we became good friends. I was clear to him on my terms that since he is not one of the guys in my kinda list I can never fall in love with him. But he never told me that I was the first and only guy in his kinda list and he loved me like anything., I was his first love and he wanted to stay with me and wanted to do all the passionate things to me which I always wanted to do to all guys of my list. He couldn't convey his message and i couldn't understood. He was feeling WII for me but I had nothing for him in my heart though i loved him as  friend. And one day he left the city leaving a big letter to me. Then I came to all these things about him. It was like a  slap to me, the big tight slap. I felt guilty, ashame of myself. Couldn't understood his feelings and love. Donno when I found myself in the cell of my exe list member because knowingly or unknowingly I also hurt him. I never wanted to get that pain of rejection from those handsome hunks and when I came to know that I gave similar pain to someone, it made me feel damm guilty. That made me passive in this WIII feeling scene and more active in college libraries. I wanted to make myself PERFECT. Just like all those hunks. But one essential ingredient I wanted in me was the living heart.

Donno when many years passed. I  came across many handsome hunks, felt WIII many times but niether those hunks nor those WII feelings became milestones of heart. And after several years I found myself in my mid twenties, in plush office with fancy designation and a team of office people to handle. I was totally focused on work, with no place in heart to feel WIII. And then this mischievous straight 19 year old kid came in my team for internship of 1 month. He was total emotional, hyperactive, jolly kiddo, had stepped first time out of momma's den, so obviously more excited towards "learning new things". His internship went with many ups and downs, got worst scoldings from me many times but didn't went even a inch away from me, in fact moved feet closer every time. He used to stare in my eyes like tiger would see his prey before attack. I felt big relief on his last day of internship. That day before leaving office when I was speaking on cellphone in conference hall he came to me. By the time  I'd done with my call. He stared in my eyes and said in his kiddish tone
"I love you Goldy Sir :(

You are just so peRRRRfect!!!!

You are a complete MAN, A pakka Dashing Dude, U have all good things in You, you are very Handsome Hunk with Great looks, any girl will go crazy for you.

But your best thing will make me miss you is your attitude. You are a rocking dashing boss who meets perfection!

I wanna be like you when I will be of your age.

I like you...NO..I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU BOSS!!!

Thank you so much Goldy sir!"

And he hugged me.

I was speechless!

No doubt he liked almost all things in me thats why it made him to talk to me like that and hugg me.

Had I made him feel WIII? Obviously he was a confused guy, but was he confused about his orientation also?
did he just said I am hunk & handsome? If he were a gay he would had noted my name in his list.

His innocent intense emotions hold my hand and pulled me near big storm and met me to my old identity.

After a long time I felt WIII again. But this WIIIIIIIIIIIIII was as intense as old WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIs, as passionate as old WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIs, as joyful as old WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIs. Everything was same except one.

Old WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIs were for other Hunks but this WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was for me, the newly found handsome hunk with sharp face features, killer looks and great attitude.

WOW!!!

I AM FEELING WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII